I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
