New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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