My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
