ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
