just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
