I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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