There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
