i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
