Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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