I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
