Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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