I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
