The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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