i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
