I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
