they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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