If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
