Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
