Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
