At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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