his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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