Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
