Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
