she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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