Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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