He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
