Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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