My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
