Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
