It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
