there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
