the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
