Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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