i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Alive.
So much puke
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
