I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
stop calling my apartment porn island.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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