He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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