Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
