And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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