im having a threesome with these popsicles
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
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