I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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