when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
