I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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