tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
