I cockslap morals
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
