Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you win again, gameday.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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