i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
