if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
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