I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
