I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
