Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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